This weekend I have discovered a narrative in my mind which is very disrespectful of nature. So I spent all my free time re-connecting, apologizing to trees, and holding my shame in front of my face: this bias is real, we do look down on nature and the conviction grows deep. Not as deep as the roots of this oak tree but deep enough to hide even from my rather eco-friendly habits on the surface. Those who know me might find this a bit of a surprise, I’m the one preaching of nature and the power of technology to save the planet and our humanity… yet, there, hiding deep in my collective human narrative was the idea of complexity and dominance. Now, I see it, so it’s time to weed it out. Wish me luck. This is deep work.

I read a lot of books this summer, many wonderful ones, some not-so-good ones, however, reading @shafakelif – this particular new book of hers was a healing balm to my soul, mind, and body. As a youth therapist and first wave immigrant, from Poland which is suffering so much, a parent who had to guide my half-British son and Eastern-European husband, and myself tbh through horrible racism of Brexit U.K. I needed to read this so much. Very few authors take on Brexit-related issues, very few still talk about the climate crisis. (For me too nature was the Healer) She does it all and brings healing in the process.

Travel feels so different now. At a train station. Thinking about all the things that have changed around us and in us. Sad to see empty food shelves even at Starbucks but not surprised. Covid is shielding the impact of Brexit. How on Earth are we going to heal from all of this? Where do we even start?

Thinking about systems a lot: systems that sustain us and systems that trap or even oppress us. Do you believe you can work within or outside your systems? Can you bend the spoon? What makes people see the ease of doing so? Opportunity or challenge?

Back to therapy work. My heart is here and I sense all of it is in eco-therapy at the moment.

I do not know what to say today but since there is no middle ground (never was) I want to speak up and I will be…honest. I am tired of reading the same stories of hurt (“it’s always the same people” as my friend once said) but so I should be – we caused this, we need to do the work – if you haven’t done so already (it’s 2021!). I am in incredible pain a year on because I see so many people who suddenly care about some forms of discrimination but not others and so it makes no sense to me. I am stuck in between so many identities that don’t serve me (Polish living in post-Brexit U.K., woman, “opinionated”) and those that do but harm others by default (White, able, relatively OK financially, business owner, educated, multi-cultural). Next week I will become a British citizen and carry the additional privileges and responsibilities. I will be employable, have a good credit score, another passport, and the right to protest too, also a right to voice my opinion. I am aware of the pain that comes with discrimination and silence, my own blindness, and I am determined to do my best to keep all people safe. So yeah. I see today so many deepen the divide when…this pain is not new. Maybe, just maybe, we should all focus on critically reviewing where we are with this, instead of pointing fingers. Sit down, listen, learn and do better. If you think you’ve got this – that means you don’t. I am doing better and I promise that I will do even more, but I see there is still so much work to do. And when I feel like giving up, I remember the truth: without hope and a dream of a better future for all of us, what is left? This is a painful reality. People die because of our ignorance. We are too slow, too blind, too comfortable. We all have a lot of work to do. I am glad to see that more and more of us, White people, do. If we haven’t already, we are waking up.

I initially wanted to spend the summer only on ecotherapy and healing but seeing how many people and organizations around me move away from pandemic without taking any stock, I am finding an inner need to slow down and look deeper into trauma. I spend so much time in the academic literature I thought I’d dip into this one to align my reading with her new Apple TV series. Watching the first episode, I cried like a baby not because of my own multiple traumas but because I was in Clarendon House once attending a thank you even for a fundraising guide I wrote for the Prince’s Charities and I experienced it as silent sadness, actually. So much suffering and so unspoken… I personally am pretty open about my mental health, I was raised in a dysfunctional home but had an amazing father, brother, men, and women around me who created a vulnerable, open cycle of safety. So I was one of those lucky ones who had enough roots to grow. So these days, I cry when I meet people who have no idea about their suffering, face it, and who open up to the opportunity of healing. So blessed to be able to study and work in this field.

Today I had a wonderful chat at work about roots, ancestors and all the stardust we are made off – cannot wait for my DNA results to find out more about my belongings. As I shift between my mental spaces and official identities soon, I also wonder why to me those things don’t really matter. I am a Traveller at heart. I draw maps. I love the Great Unknown. In the last few years of Brexit U.K. I have experienced entrapment and learned a lot about the fear of divides, silences, and forgotten tribes. I have watched people tremble in face of diversity. I understand this so much better now. I am tempted to dive deep into work with racists and abusers one day, I feel the sadness of living in their fragmented world. I also acknowledge that it’s a spectrum we all live on. I slowly shift and Wake Up White myself. And then I wonder, somewhat selfishly, do I have energy for this? Or do I prefer to move along and explore new landscapes? Studying therapy means we need to deconstruct things before we stitch them together into a workable model. I am blessed to have wonderful common threads and tribes, so it’s easier. I love this journey so much, especially when meeting the Other results in fantastic conversations.

I am a bit stuck to the screen these days, not a good way to celebrate #MHAW but I am actually learning locals about ecotherapy. It’s nice to see the garden in the rain and enjoy moments of rest too. I hope it will finally get warmer as I cannot wait for the peonies and roses!

I am still a little bit raw – almost a year ago, finding out about the global pandemic meant that I needed to reevaluate my 2020 plans – but I am finding a way for resting. I have learned to practice a new level of self-care: connection with trusted friends, rest, nutrition & exercise.

Prepared meals for the family for the first half of the week – works magic! So I ate well and snacked less. Did not move much though… Spent a week reading and researching reliable literature. Slowly getting into the mood of things with a bit of cbt and mindfulness. Enjoying the dark mornings and rain, actually. It’s still time to sit at home, read and write.

Preparing for another long year ahead…