Today I am looking at another Via character strength: critical thinking. I wasn’t entirely sure what is the official definition so here it is: 

Critical thinking is the analysis of facts to form a judgment. The subject is complex, and several different definitions exist, which generally include the rational, sceptical, unbiased analysis, or evaluation of factual evidence. Critical thinking is self-directed, self-disciplined, self-monitored, and self-corrective thinking. It presupposes assent to rigorous standards of excellence and mindful command of their use. It entails effective communication and problem-solving abilities as well as a commitment to overcome native egocentrism and sociocentrism.

I personally feel really strongly about this one – although to be entirely honest it is not one of my top strengths. I was however raised to make informed decisions so I am still learning and hoping to get better at this. Oftentimes I am noticing people around me forming opinions based on commonly accepted norms and myths, not facts and I tremble – because I know I am doing that too. Sometimes I catch myself on repeating those myths but I am working hard on changing that. 

The idea of a fact is quite tricky anyway. Most of us know that even academic research can be political, of course, but the bottom line is this: when we read an article, any article (no matter how academic it is) our inner biases scan it not for facts but our own inner truths. How do we form our own truths? Based on our culture, upbringing, social norms, current trends, our peers even. Oftentimes we navigate our lives with confidence that what we hold as truth is objectively the ultimate fact. That makes sense – that’s what keeps us going.

So let’s go back to the idea that we all have a different, individual version of reality. We all experience the very same event or statement differently. We decode it and assign a meaning to it. We act based on that analysis. But is this process actually critical?  Do we examine our topic enough? How do we do it anyway?

Critical thinking definition contains few elements:

• First of all, it is an analysis which implies focused effort to explore a topic. 
• Secondly, the topic itself is complex and so it requires deep analysis. 
• The process should be objective, unbiased and evidence-based. 
• It also has to be self-driven – originating from us, driven by our commitment to this exploration. 
• The definition also mentions excellence which implies it is not a destination but a process itself – we can strive to get better and better at it and always aim for higher standards
• It requires good communication skills 
• It requires good problem solving skills.
• It also requires accepting that our perspectives tend to be egocentric (self focussed) but those perspectives can be shifted to a more general, universal view on the topic.  

Well, that’s a lot! If this is critical thinking than quite frankly it’s a lot of work. I am not sure if critical thinking is required in every single situation in our life, of course. But I am often surprised just how the above-mentioned elements of it are missing from significant conversations in our daily lives. How often we make statements that are quite quick and not entirely thoughtful. However, it is also due to the fact that in social interactions the sense of belonging to a group is important – way more important than being right. Our need to conform can be really strong and that’s understandable. We want to fit in and belong. But since we don’t need to be perfect at everything maybe critical thinking can be practised and developed in line with our need to belong to our group as well?

In my last two posts, I made a list of practical tips. Today I would like to continue with another one. This time I will leave you with a list of assumptions people tend to make when discussing digital technologies with me. I would like to ask you to explore your views on those terms and concepts in a more critical way. Treat it as a simple exercise and let me know how it goes:

• Facebook blackout – blackout is a word associated with electricity, something we deeply rely on, so I personally found myself wondering why some people feel so strongly about this prominent social media network. The term was used in a negative context to implying that we rely on Facebook a bit too much. At the same time, the term resonated with fear of the lost connection with our fellow friends and family. So I was wondering about a few questions: what is the real importance of Facebook in people’s lives? Is this about Facebook or our inner need to connect with others? Was this term also implying access to information? Or was it a term born out of the idea that for some people Facebook is taking over their lives – in which case I am wondering why is that? Why do some people allow for this to happen and actually blame the tool for their own choices?
• Content overload  – I hear this one a lot, but as a person born in a generation of people who still had to wait for access to books in the library I personally celebrate any access to content online, I crave it and I marvel when I can learn, study and explore things online for free (or for affordable prices). I can relate to the idea of emotional or intellectual overload, of course, I am just wondering why people use this term. To me personally, it implies the inability to manage your online sources and subscribing to too much. Why do people do that? There is also the idea of “less is more” which I personally really disagree with – I think that most of the time we are just lazy and do not pay enough attention. It happens to me when I attempt to read a book after a long and tiring day – but I do not blame the book for it. So I wonder if it’s the content or lack of time, or maybe our lack of skills in filtering through the content and choosing the right sources and amount of it? I much prefer to stay online where I can choose my content than to watch TV channels full of adverts and have no control over those whatsoever.
• Internet addiction and gaming addiction – here I would really love to know what feelings come up for you when you are reading those terms. Oftentimes, most of the time, to be honest, my clients use them in very negative sentiment. In my opinion, both terms need to be used really carefully as they can very easily stigmatise people who use the Internet and online gaming. Those terms were introduced into the scientific world with a clear note that they both still need more research to be confirmed. Additionally, they are also quite political: I am yet to see a government happy to see its citizens accessing information freely and collectively building strong, opinionated communities without any limitations. So when I hear those terms I always ask: what do we mean by that? Addiction to what (content, networking, information, upsetting content, etc)? The compulsion to do what or to distract ourselves from what? What is the detrimental impact of Internet and gaming on our lives? When it comes to online gaming I also sometimes worry that in the new economies with a lot of pressure on individual and fairly new open conversations about mental health the play, joy of simply hanging out with friends online, having fun and not being productive but simply resting somehow is labelled as bad habit or even failure. Why? The real problem with over-using this term is the fact that when some of us really get into unhealthy habits online, we might not have the courage to recognise it and seek help.
• FOMO vs. the need to disconnect, switch off and go outside – fear of missing out is a well-known sensation. We experience it when we travel and cannot attend our partner’s Birthday party or cannot witness an important event in our child’s life. We also experience it when we cannot access social networks to check in with our friends (now with the algorithms on social media channels this sensation is probably less common – we do not see all our networks in the chronological order anyway). It can make us feel really anxious and uneasy about the technology, but really deep down originates in a difficult truth: we miss something or someone. FOMO is a commercial tactic too so we see it on a daily basis in timed discounts and rushed offers – that can put a lot of pressure on us. On the other hand, we often express the need to switch off and disconnect because we feel overloaded with content and the amount of noise online. We cling on to our mobiles and check them out even if we do not have to and really wish we could go outside. So what is really going on? What is missing? Why do we feel this way? I find the two concepts really important because in my personal experience a lot of my clients actually have the need to reconnect – with their friends, family and with themselves. So I wonder: what happened to the idea of dreaming, hoping and connecting? Why do we blame ourselves for wanting to travel when our reality is suffocating? Why is it not OK to wish to be on that beach with our friends? Yes, it is a heavy feeling but it also means that mentally the moment we feel with our friends we are actually resting too. With a little bit of mindfulness and positive take on their holiday updates, we could simply be happy to them and feel with them for a bit? It’s a great opportunity to connect and emotionally bond with another person. So why do we choose to feel depressed? And if we do, why is that not OK? We are not perfect? Again, overusing this term means that some of us who have severe anxieties (and we know now that online networks can amplify those) might need help but never ask for it.
• Minecraft/Fortnight obsession – both terms are used notoriously by parents who seem to worry about their children’s use of both of those games. In reality, in most cases, the obsession is actually a passion, a hobby shared by masses of other young people who simply find it a fun thing to do. Younger children hang out on Minecraft and build amazing structures collaborating with their friends. Older children and teens hang out on Fortnite and with the help of skins shift between various outfits and vitual identities. They do that at an age when searching for your identity and expressing yourself is an important part of our growth. Yes, Fornite does have addictive and gambling elements. Yes, both games can be taken to extreme levels and can lead to addictive behaviours but most of the time, they simply don’t. But when does that happen? If parents do not put rules, boundaries in place. Sometimes because parents do not make time for their children or do not have that time due to the amount of work and other commitments. Yet, we use the term obsession really lightly. Why do we use it? Are we worried about our children – that’s a good thing, we should care. Are we doing anything about it? I am not sure. Do we engage in open conversations about those games? Do we, possibly, envy our children for having free time and having fun? Or do we know better? Whatever the questions are, we need to ask more of them and find more answers – together with our children. Because most of them seem just fine. And if we replace the word “obsession” with “passion” suddenly the game is just another hobby – one that keeps our teens off the street and away from alcohol and drugs. Someone used the word “passionate” with the word “lunch” at work today and I found myself repeating it. I was thinking about the negative connotation of even that word, but I guess it’s a different topic altogether. It should be a good thing to have a hobby, anyway.
• Social media having a negative impact on mental health – I hear this in every single mental health training and I cringe because the academic research confirms something else entirely: we come to social media with certain attitudes and feelings, they can be positive or negative and so we tend to choose online sources of content and connections that amplify our original feelings. I guess that is why we oftentimes do feel sad, depressed, worried, anxious – because we can suddenly see clearly what is really going on for us and for others. I just wonder if making a negative assumption helps those who struggle. Does it help? Or should we be having more balanced conversations about the technology and focus on helping each other with the actual needs and issues instead?
• The narcissism of selfies  – this will be the last of my digital terms but I think it is really important because it touches on the idea of ego. And that in itself can be stigmatised a lot. Whereas in a healthy way of living we would aim for a healthy amount of ego as well. The common visual representation of this is a balloon – a good amount of ego allows us to fly, but too much of it will make us pop, not enough will stop us from thriving. Narcissism is overused a lot in conversations about online identity and it is still often times misunderstood, especially when it comes to selfies. When in actual fact some studies have shown that taking a selfie actually improves people’s body image. I just wonder if we are ready to accept that this can be a good thing? Maybe we should not judge others and ourselves so easily?

The reason why I have mentioned the above terms is that it’s the area I work in. I find it really difficult to correct people around me on most of those assumptions simply because they are now so often shared, repeated and slowly enter our common language. As a person working in digital wellbeing, I meet a lot of people who indeed feel affected by the digital innovation but their problems oftentimes boil down to our basic human needs: to belong, to be loved, to grow and to thrive. The lack of critical thinking in the way we relate to digital technologies results in a worldview which is shaped by fears, myths and opinions more often than facts or even individual experiences. That worldview is heavy and depressing. If we had more balanced and informed conversations about those topics maybe our versions of reality would move towards more balanced experiences too? 

I can see how critical thinking can be a strength. It is a very difficult process for me but as I study to become a therapist I am working a lot on my own biases and so I am also starting to benefit from more critical and balanced views.  I hope this will be helpful to you as well, but let me know – I would love to hear your thorughts too.

Curiosity is a VIA Character strenght I interpret a little bit differently than the general association of the word. When we call someone curious we tend to think about a person who is asking too many questions, especially here, in the British culture. It is not even appropriate to ask a newly met person about their profession directly – we simply need to be as polite and safe in our questions as possible. I can see how this can mean we are respectful, but for many people, this approach can be really isolating. We miss out so much. We lose a genuine connection with each other.

A general curiosity, the underlying interest in people and the world can be really positive. Being inquisitive about the world around us leads to new findings but also new perspectives. It makes us feel better. It stretches our perception beyond our very own biases, allows us to connect with people in new ways. This process can be so rewarding! In our daily conversations, we navigate between each other with a lot of assumptions about our individual view of reality. We tend to assume how the world looks like for others. We now know however we all have a very different set of skills experience our reality. Even if our lives were similar, we would all perceive and interpret it very differently. We hear and understand words differently. We all have a different definition of sensations and feelings in our bodies. Test it out – as a few friends for their definition of joy, love, awe or sadness, pain, fear. We all have our very own experiences from our past that shape the way we decode and interpret the here and now.

It can be really safe and bonding to assume that we have no idea about the actual experience of another person. If we start our conversations there and ask our questions with pure curiosity and the intent to understand, to connect better, to enter that person’s view of the world, we might discover fascinating ideas. We might learn, get inspired, be moved or find ourselves helping others just by offering more relevant responses. That sense of connection addresses a very basic human need to feel a bond with another person. It touches our inner child and simply feels good.

There is also a grounding element to asking questions. One question especially: why? We know this from marketing, branding and other areas of business. We experience this when working on disorganised, hectic projects. We feel happier at work when we know simply why we do things the way we are doing them. The core purpose of our work sets a direction we can always adjust to. Having that inner compass as an employee, as a business owner, or as a private individual really increases our resilience levels in more stressful times.

Knowing our personal goals can be really empowering. Let’s face it, we all feel that sense of purpose in others. We recognise it in them from the way they walk, speak, connect with us, make their life choices. We see the people who are clear on their purpose. Asking the why question is not a one-off task though. It’s a habit. It is a journey of serious but also courageous explorations. It can be initially quite daunting but trust me: it’s just another habit. It takes about three months to really learn a habit which, if you think about it, is not long. It is worth it too. Asking yourself goal related questions, exploring your dreams and reflecting on your journey helps us feel confident, steady and grounded.

Yesterday I have listed a few personal tips, so I will do something similar today. Here is how I practice curiosity:

• Setting goals – whether it’s short, or long-term goals it is really easy to get into the habit of planning. If you struggle, I recommend the 5 Minute Journal (on paper or as a mobile app). One of its core elements is daily morning goal setting and evening reflective review. It’s a simple task, which when repeated, really starts to become a mental habit fast.
• Understanding the meaning of work – I always ask myself the question: what is the why behind my commitments? Why am I working in specific industries? Why do I care? Why am I willing to spend most of my day working towards a particular mission in my life? Where do I want to be in 12 months or in 5 years time? (Forget about the fear of getting there or failing, just map it out). You do not have to meet your mission but it won’t hurt to at least try to head towards those goals.
• Exploring new ideas and perspectives – looking at things from a different perspective. I would normally ask myself: what else is there? what am I missing? what am I not doing? what could I be doing better or just differently? Two things happen when you do that: you might discover a better way or realise that your original approach is solid and you should stick to that. My dad gave me this tip when I was learning photography: always move the camera to an unconventional angle (place it under a flower, take a selfie of a tree above you, shift your perspective, look behind your subject – explore and experiment). If it helps, do just that – we all have cameras on our phones these days.
• Changing focus – looking closer, closing eyes half way or sharpening our view to see greater depth is another photographic exercise. Imagine sitting on a bus in traffic in heavy rain. What do you see in the window: raindrops, glass structure, dust, the street maybe, a reflection of your friend in the window, trees, buildings, the taller blocks of flats above the landscape, maybe even stars? Work more with this approach – shift between those perspectives and experiment with how quickly you can move between those worlds. How does it feel to realise the real depth of our reality? Can we apply this to other areas of our lives? Can we use this in problem-solving?
• Asking others the “counselling question”: how does it make you feel? Or even: how is this for you? We all have a different experience of the very same event. How is rain in traffic at midnight for your friend? How is it for you? Compare the notes and pay attention to what shapes the answers. Ask yourself the very same question and see what comes up for you.
• Asking orientational and special questions to locate and describe experiences: where is your anger now in your body? Step out of your comfort zone and state the difficult truths – for example after an argument ask: what is in this silence for you? how does it sit with you? Open up new paths for connection and conversation by daring to ask more questions – of course, if you feel it’s appropriate.
• Exploring the opposites – I like this one a lot. People often complain about missed opportunities or mistakes their friends made. I do this a lot myself. But how do we want our expectations to be met? The answers can be really telling. So ask: if you were ignored yesterday, how would you like that person to react better to understand you? What would they have to do to meet your need then?
• Asking about our stories – finding out more about our roots and the experiences that shaped us can be really bonding. Ask: what is your story? This relatively large question can open up a lot but it can also be used around particular experiences – is there something else that shaped your reactions to this now? Why are you feeling this way now? Please remember to ask those questions with care, genuine attentiveness and be prepared to make time for listening afterwards.
• Exploration game – it’s my little fun game. I like browsing for new ideas without a goal to see what comes up. I like bumping into new books in a library, charity shop or a second-hand book shop. I don’t plan particular reads just pick books based on their cover, colour, location on the shelf. The randomness of that act opens me up to things I would otherwise miss.
• Self-reflection – asking yourself questions can be really powerful and healing. Review your actions, events in life, conversations, feelings. Notice how you reacted or felt and think about the deeper meaning for you. Try not to censor, nor judge yourself (we do so much judging in our head!). You can do it in writing or simply in your thoughts – every time you have a moment to yourself.

This became a rather long list, but I would love to hear from you. What are your ways of asking a lot of questions?

I am starting a month of reflection around VIA Character strenghts so let’s talk about the first one. Creativity can oftentimes be associated with weaknesses, not strengths. It is however really stimulating and fun to do things in a new way, follow new patterns, do things differently. I often judge myself as “naughty” when instead of following rules, I hack the solution out of my reality. Breaking rules is part of our human nature. When we do it at the right time and effectively, we arrive at new conclusions. There is nothing wrong about thinking outside of our own box and we really should celebrate it. 

I love watching my son play computer games. I got this when he was testing his first Super Mario game a few years ago. Instead of driving directly in the middle of each racing path, he would purposefully bump into the edges of it to find shortcuts. It is a well-known phenomenon in game design: we like to complete a level and then repeat it but this time with additional options of pre-designed cheats. We feel more achieved by completing our small virtual challenges this way.

So why can we not do it in IRL (in real life)? I think we should blame our education and upbringing. We are raised to think that creativity is a starting point of rebellion. My son’s first day at school needed with one significant discovery: he had an allocated spot to sit on on the floor. While I was heartbroken that the school was already on the day one boxing him into an allocated place, my son felt actually special and important. I had to work really hard to explain to him that the real privilege is to have the freedom to move between different places or maybe even run freely without disturbing others. 

If creativity can be a strength too and can lead to emotional resilience how can we identify it and nurture it? I think there are many simple ways, but here are my personal favourites:

1. Doing something slightly out of the ordinary – something really easy like getting off a stop earlier and walking a bit more on a sunny morning allowing yourself more time to simply enjoy reconnecting with the environment Playing games – we love playing Fluxx because the game itself is about changing rules, but I think any game (offline or virtual) improves our ability to relax into doing new things. 
2. Getting back to art basics – paper, scissors, flowers, paints or any other traditional art materials. My therapist asked me the other day to make a collage as homework and even though I was initially tempted to use iPad’s Moodboard app, I was advised to use paper cutouts instead. That took me directly to the child in me and opened up a lot of fun memories from my childhood. 
3. Making new types of food – growing herbs and seasoning your dinner slightly differently is very simple yet can be so powerful to all our senses! Venturing out to a few local stores and buying a new ingredient, making a new meal and simply enjoying the new sensations can be fun for us, and for our family. 
4. Creating new rituals or changing routine – small silly jokes or home rituals can be super easy on a  good day and very useful on a cloudy day. We have a few, for example making a Mexican wave over dinner – just to stop and remind ourselves about the importance of that own evening family meal. If you get into the habit of it you might notice new fun rituals emerging on their own – we humans are wired for viral ideas. YouTube videos are just the tip of the iceberg! 
5. Using tech and social media differently – setting up or joining an Instagram challenge can be a lot of fun, joining a blogger carnival and exploring a new topic or recording few new street music videos to share with online friends – all of it is easy to do in today’s world. Sharing your experiences with friends can also be really rewarding. I also think doing this time to time helps us reevaluate the importance of social media channels and possibly adjust our habits.

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That’s all I can think of now. What are your creativity tips? What is your definition of creativity as a strenght? Let me know! 

I stopped blogging pretty much last September, but I have lost my voice a few years ago. I start to realise just now that my experience of severe social isolation during my years in Oxfordshire affected me really deeply. I start to feel my voice emerging again, but I am still a bit shy to fully put in words what happened to me back there and then. I can only hope to do it slowly, gradually, with a great deal of self-care. I know that life is a journey. I know that oftentimes it is hard to see the true meaning of our reality and so we have to give it some time. Today I can start to see the meaning in my experience of extreme loneliness, but for a long time I did not have the courage to look back at those days. Simply because there is a lot of negativity around my experiences. There are a lot of people who did nothing to help me and I will have to point some fingers.

Thanks to my new life in Bristol, a few good old friends, my family and a vast amount of new support networks I can now slowly come out of my quiet place and speak up. For the first time in my life, while living in Oxfordshire I have lost my voice. I have lost the image of myself. I have evaporated into the thin air.

I do not know if anyone else can relate to that feeling of being a complete ghost but if you do, I salute you! It is a very tricky burden to carry because it is actually light and very difficult to define. But I will go back to those days and attempt to explain my experiences simply because social isolation becomes a problem of our generation. We are losing ourselves and forget the true meaning and value of our lives in the world that tries to convince us otherwise: that we are meaningless and never quite good enough. We are distracted blaming technology for the sins of our bad leaders and lazy networks. When in reality we are all in this life together, going through a lot of similar pains and challenges.

This year I lost both of my parents but I have also lost a sense of innocence that I aim to find again. I became an orphan in so many ways! I am ready to share it though. Thanks to my hard work and determination, support of the carefully chosen people, I am in a good place. This gives me hope for a better tomorrow. I cannot do it without the act and courage of looking back and exploring my dark times. After a few years of living in a cold, alienating and adverse to change I feel like I was sucked into a black hole and disappeared in a different dimension. Now, upon my return, I am wondering: what has changed in me? What have I learned? How can I share those learnings to warn others? I know my experienced bothers me and I know I am not the only one affected by social isolation. So I hope to explore it in more detail. I know I am not doing it all on my own.

It is our job is to speak up and resist the status quo – we live the times when we all finally have to take a stand. I am hopeful to find my true voice again!

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

This is the end of your life and I owe you this letter.

I want to tell you how much I love you and thank you for everything you have done for me.

Thank you for keeping me safe. Your life was a storm but somehow you have managed to keep me safe, steady and centred. All throughout the journey that we have shared. You shielded me from the thunders in our own house. You showed me the way out and never held me back. 

Thank you for showing me what it means to love and to be loved. I mean the warm, kind and caring love. You showed me the active, deep connection few people appreciate. I grew up knowing a good relationship from a fake one. 

Thank you for teaching me the basic life skills. Without your practical teachings I would not be able to live a full life today. 

Thank you for teaching me the value of self-care in times when it was unacceptable and unthinkable.

Thank you for teaching me that the true legacy of a human is not the amount of houses they own, but the amount of trees they plant and people they nurture. 

Thank you for showing me the value of learning and exploring, never standing still, always moving forward. 

Thank you for teaching me the difference between a to-do list and getting things done.

Thank you for teaching me that choices are not easy, but they can be informed.

Thank you for always leaning in, speaking up and looking after the people who came after you. I have no choice but to follow you the same way. 

Thank you for teaching me to treat young people and adults with equal amount of respect and attention. For treating everyone as a human being – regardless of their gender, education, origin or age.

Thank you for showing me how to live life fully. You showed me how to relax, step back a little, slow down and simply take in the world around us. You showed me how to be happy. 

Thank you for teaching me to look back only to steady myself. For reminding me to always look ahead of me, to focus on the future, on the life’s horizon. Thank you for showing me how to love the right here and right now this way. 

Thank you for teaching me to surround myself with good people. We can only aim to remain faithful to our values, it’s a constant battle, but we are in it together. We are all going our best. 

Thank you for showing me the power of our human vulnerability. It is only in our weaknesses that we can find the power to go on, not in strengths. I get it now and it makes everything easier, simpler. 

Thank you for showing me how to protect myself. I know it also meant that you lost me. But I also know that it was you who showed me the value of knowing our own boundaries. 

Thank you for being so very human with me. For teaching me to make mistakes and owning them. This one is hard, because it’s your mistakes that led to me loosing you way too early. Thank you for even trying to understand and respect my final choice on that. 

Thank you for hopefulness, for the constant faith in life and in people. Kindness was your religion and so it remains mine too. You showed me the value of each small leap of that faith. It’s revolutionary. 

Thank you for our shared, magical silences. You showed me the value of a grounded, rich stillness. You talked to me without words, yet showed me so much! You saw, heard and spoke wisdom of our ancestors few people nowadays are even able to notice. You held the time and space for me, expecting me to do the same for my family. 

Our time is difficult. The world is challenged like never before. We are all challenged daily. You have shown me the truth of our human condition in its entity: the perfect imperfection of our kind. With “kind-ness” as its most imperative adjective. I am so grateful for that. We have shared a connection hard to explain. Even when separated by our choices, we lived in our own solitudes but in dignity. I have never ever lost the legacy you have given me. I carry it with me as a reminder of the best of people. And I promise to pass it on to others through my own silences, words and actions. 

I miss you dearly, but I know I am doing my best to make you proud. 

R.I.P. HJK