So proud of my son for joining @gretathunberg in Bristol today.

I did a morning run, which never happened before

A week of nice coffee and kind people and rest – now back to books, courses and online learning. It’s been a great experience to rest and recalibrate my thinking around the next phase of this year. I am more of an active rest fan, though. Aiming to finish off all my courses soon to move on to the next phase: diploma in counselling.

One more week of restoration after a month of lemons, lemons, lemons. I was challenged on so many levels. There were moments when I had to sit down and rest – quite physically, I could not breathe anymore. However, my responses to all of those challenges validated my humanity, my sensitivity, empathy and resilience. As intense at it feels now, this last month was a summary of those recent steps on my journey.

I was challenged, yes. But I also grew. I steadied myself. I took care of myself. I asked for the right type of help. I deepened my friendships. I grew closer and stronger with my family. I prioritised myself and us collectively.

I listened deeper. I learned to distinguish my mistakes from the resonance of issues emerging from others. I discovered that beyond the obvious unconditional positive regard, I do not have please just so many people. Actually, the more I think of it, I need to prioritize those who take me seriously and appreciate me for my actual skills and achievements. I accepted that I am a doer – although I knew that already.

I learned a lot about my past, present and future clients – those who dare greatly, the so-called “foolish” dreamers, the believers, the change-makers. We are a precious, rare type, yet quietly we form ripples, waves and finally storms moulding our paths into new continents. We study the past and embrace the unpredictable futures. We hope in times of helplessness. We know we have not much to lose. We might be seen as subtle and weak, but we are simply open and vulnerable. It’s the most courageous attitude towards life. We have faith in ourselves and our tribes, which makes us stronger.

In the last 2 years, I started recovering from the initial racism of the early years of Brexit in Oxfordshire. Moving to a kinder city, I was welcomed and supported, so I healed even more. In the last few weeks, however, I drew the cycle of safety around my world, while also considering the sensitivities of my fellow British friends as much as I could. I have learned so much from that process about power, empowerment and self-oppression. I will use those learnings in my work to convert my experiences into positive energy in the future. I am still processing it all, to be honest.

Today I felt at home with myself again. I met a group of business planners and analysts who shared my excitement about certain opportunities – I felt at home with their professionalism and realised my core is still here. Healing from Brexit and other negative experiences will take time but I am emerging stronger. I wish we did not have to learn this way, but here’s to working towards a better future – for me, my circles and people I am to support.

The kindness of my family and friends, the bonds we have built, move me to tears. Happy, light tears of collective care and mutual support. Yes, there is darkness all around us, but there is so much to treasure and to gravitate toward. I am giving myself one more week of restoration before I go back to a very active plotting of my new ways of supporting people.

For now, I sit back, cuddle my dog, close my eyes. I rest. I hope you can rest too.

Photo by Francesca Hotchin on Unsplash

One more week of restoration after a month of lemons, lemons, lemons. I was challenged on so many levels. My responses to all of those challenges validated my humanity, my sensitivity, empathy and resilience. It was initially hard to embrace the reality of the glooming global pandemic (and see how many business leaders around me totally dismiss it!), but I am glad to be surrounded by people who are aware of it.

So I steadied myself. I took care of myself. I asked for the right type of help. I spend hours with friends who listened to my shadows. I learned what are my mistakes and what is just the resonance of issues emerging from others.

I drew the cycle of safety around my world ever so well to prepare for 2020.

Today I met a group of business planners and analysts who shared my excitement about certain opportunities – I felt at home with their professionalism and realised my core is still here. Healing from Brexit and other negative experiences will take time but I am emerging stronger. I wish we did not have to learn this way, but here’s to working towards a better future – for me, my circles and people I am to support. We need to stay hopeful and connected.

Today many of us start to feel the real pain of Brexit. But today marks the end of my EU grief. It started in early 2016 and lasted until Brexit deadline, last night. I am sad, of course, but those four years were dreadful and yet very meaningful. My roots and new identities were questioned. My networks fell apart and evolved. My choices were undermined, and thus, I grew stronger in my truths. My views clarified but to take the right stand I had to stop talking, start listening and cross many lines I was socialised into. I suffered. I did hurt.
But I also grew stronger. Grief is uncomfortable, but it’s also very formative. It shapes us into someone new, someone different. As we grow, our friends suffer too – we don’t fit their familiar, and sometimes we need to say our goodbyes. I lost a few friends who were racists because I stopped compromising. However, I also learned to grow a wide circle of safety. I steadied myself. I gave birth to an idea which is politics and future proof – because I had no choice but to design it this way. I educated myself.
I stopped travelling and sat down to figure my new self out. Shedding so many layers of systemic labels and identities is a terribly painful process, so I am exhausted! Happy that active Brexit period is over, it’s easier to navigate the new reality. One in which a system can be hacked, so we need to learn to live above it in an everlasting unpredictability. I learned the lesson and now plan to rest for a while, slowly planning the next step of my journey.
As I come back to myself, I am also noticing the change in my circles. We treasure each other more than ever, our conversations are deep. Our connection is stronger than ever. We are starting to unite, to build bridges, safer spaces & more inclusive tribes.

We are more human than ever before.

For many grief starts today. I feel a bit different. Today marks the end of my EU grief. It started in early 2016 and lasted until Brexit deadline, last night. I am sad, of course, but those four years were dreadful and yet very meaningful. My roots and new identities were questioned. My networks fell apart and evolved. My choices were undermined and thus I grew stronger in my truths. My views clarified but to take the right stand I had to stop talking, start listening and cross many lines I was socialised into. I suffered.

I did hurt. But I also grew stronger. Grief is uncomfortable, but it’s also very formative. It shapes us into someone new, someone different. As we grow our friends suffer too – we don’t fit their familiar and sometimes we need to say our goodbyes. I lost a few friends who were racists because I stopped compromising.

However, I also learned to grow a wide circle of safety. I steadied myself. I gave birth to an idea which is politics and future proof – because I had no choice but to design it this way. I educated myself. I stopped travelling and simply sat down to figure my new self out. Shedding so many layers of systemic labels and identities is a terribly painful process so I am exhausted!

Happy that active Brexit period is over, it’s easier to navigate the new reality. One in which a system can be hacked, so we need to learn to live above it in an everlasting unpredictability. I learned the lesson and now plan to rest for a while, slowly planning the next step of my journey. As I come back to myself I am also noticing the change in my circles. We treasure each other more than ever, our conversations are deep. Our connection is stronger than ever. We are starting to unite, to build bridges, safer spaces & more inclusive tribes. We are more human than ever before. I hope you can join us.

Such a sunny day! Enjoying a week of doing things a bit slower – tackling more repetitive tasks and planning next steps in education, at work and creatively. It’s nice to have time to sit down for a coffee and think.

–

Update: this photo was taken the morning of the day I learned about the global pandemic going ahead. My last calm, peaceful coffee.

I will not forget going into a job interview afterwards to chat to people unaware of the pandemic, not considering the Brexit deadline, and thinking to myself: if they are not aware of the news, I really do not want to be the person to tell them this. So I did not. Life can throw some pretty hard choices at us.

Spring is on the way but I need to rest. With the last few days in EU I am also feeling very stuck and in transition myself. Waiting for school results and another school application results, doing a job interview, shaping very new health habits (not just fitness), while actually needing to rest.

So I am off next week doing nice things for myself – grieving with EU folks, reading and writing a lot, walking, reconnecting with nature, making more time for @spanielpoppy I am not good for waiting but I did all I could with all my energy so now I just need to wait. Wait actively and aware of my need to rest. It’s so hard to slow down but so so important.

Closing off the week of thinking about my family and heritage to move on to the joy of our next Birthday in the house tomorrow. It’s been a heavy, sad, melancholic week – I spent it mostly inside of my head and in my journal. I am glad I did. I like to listen to my grief and let it be to gently move on afterwards. Back to the normal rhythm of things today.