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Dreaming
Second star to the right and straight on ’til morning.
J.M. Barrie -
Smutno, ale tak na spokojnie
No i wyszliśmy. Lokalnie wszyscy teraz cierpią, no ale ja jestem zawsze wychorowana na zapas, więc mój okres żałoby się kończy. Cztery lata bólu, bardzo ostrych problemów zdrowotnych, 25% nadwagi, nieprzespanych nocy w obawie o przyszłość i bardzo taktycznego planowania kariery.
Najtrudniejsze w tym wstepneym okresie Brexitu były rozmowy z dzieckiem. Może wyjedziemy, ale jeszcze nie wiadomo. On chciał do dziadków we Włoszech, ale my nie. Znajomi wyjechali, inni cierpią.
Ale na przeprowadzkę jest jeszcze za wcześnie. Rasizm, który w Królestwie teraz dominuje w centralnej narracji, jest obecny w całej Europie. Był obecny zawsze. Czeka tylko, aby się obudzić.
Natomiast tutaj, na Wyspach, w cieplejszych okolicach, jest on widoczny, więc łatwiej się z nim jakoś walczy – można jeszcze pogonić, zadzwonić na policję, uciszyć.
No ale jest bardzo smutno i Brytyjczycy bardzo cierpią. No nie dziwię się. Pusto, zimno i ciemno w sercach. Oficjalna żałoba dla mnie się kończy, dla nich zaczyna. Ale jesteśmy tutaj razem, więc uzbrajam się w ciepło.
Będzię ono nam wszystkim bardzo potrzebne.
Photo by Fabrice Villard on Unsplash
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Today
Today many of us start to feel the real pain of Brexit. But today marks the end of my EU grief. It started in early 2016 and lasted until Brexit deadline, last night. I am sad, of course, but those four years were dreadful and yet very meaningful. My roots and new identities were questioned. My networks fell apart and evolved. My choices were undermined, and thus, I grew stronger in my truths. My views clarified but to take the right stand I had to stop talking, start listening and cross many lines I was socialised into. I suffered. I did hurt.
But I also grew stronger. Grief is uncomfortable, but it’s also very formative. It shapes us into someone new, someone different. As we grow, our friends suffer too – we don’t fit their familiar, and sometimes we need to say our goodbyes. I lost a few friends who were racists because I stopped compromising. However, I also learned to grow a wide circle of safety. I steadied myself. I gave birth to an idea which is politics and future proof – because I had no choice but to design it this way. I educated myself.
I stopped travelling and sat down to figure my new self out. Shedding so many layers of systemic labels and identities is a terribly painful process, so I am exhausted! Happy that active Brexit period is over, it’s easier to navigate the new reality. One in which a system can be hacked, so we need to learn to live above it in an everlasting unpredictability. I learned the lesson and now plan to rest for a while, slowly planning the next step of my journey.
As I come back to myself, I am also noticing the change in my circles. We treasure each other more than ever, our conversations are deep. Our connection is stronger than ever. We are starting to unite, to build bridges, safer spaces & more inclusive tribes.We are more human than ever before.
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The UK leaving EU
For many grief starts today. I feel a bit different. Today marks the end of my EU grief. It started in early 2016 and lasted until Brexit deadline, last night. I am sad, of course, but those four years were dreadful and yet very meaningful. My roots and new identities were questioned. My networks fell apart and evolved. My choices were undermined and thus I grew stronger in my truths. My views clarified but to take the right stand I had to stop talking, start listening and cross many lines I was socialised into. I suffered.
I did hurt. But I also grew stronger. Grief is uncomfortable, but it’s also very formative. It shapes us into someone new, someone different. As we grow our friends suffer too – we don’t fit their familiar and sometimes we need to say our goodbyes. I lost a few friends who were racists because I stopped compromising.
However, I also learned to grow a wide circle of safety. I steadied myself. I gave birth to an idea which is politics and future proof – because I had no choice but to design it this way. I educated myself. I stopped travelling and simply sat down to figure my new self out. Shedding so many layers of systemic labels and identities is a terribly painful process so I am exhausted!
Happy that active Brexit period is over, it’s easier to navigate the new reality. One in which a system can be hacked, so we need to learn to live above it in an everlasting unpredictability. I learned the lesson and now plan to rest for a while, slowly planning the next step of my journey. As I come back to myself I am also noticing the change in my circles. We treasure each other more than ever, our conversations are deep. Our connection is stronger than ever. We are starting to unite, to build bridges, safer spaces & more inclusive tribes. We are more human than ever before. I hope you can join us.
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Last calm coffee
Such a sunny day! Enjoying a week of doing things a bit slower – tackling more repetitive tasks and planning next steps in education, at work and creatively. It’s nice to have time to sit down for a coffee and think.
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Update: this photo was taken the morning of the day I learned about the global pandemic going ahead. My last calm, peaceful coffee.
I will not forget going into a job interview afterwards to chat to people unaware of the pandemic, not considering the Brexit deadline, and thinking to myself: if they are not aware of the news, I really do not want to be the person to tell them this. So I did not. Life can throw some pretty hard choices at us.
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Spring
Spring is on the way but I need to rest. With the last few days in EU I am also feeling very stuck and in transition myself. Waiting for school results and another school application results, doing a job interview, shaping very new health habits (not just fitness), while actually needing to rest.
So I am off next week doing nice things for myself – grieving with EU folks, reading and writing a lot, walking, reconnecting with nature, making more time for @spanielpoppy I am not good for waiting but I did all I could with all my energy so now I just need to wait. Wait actively and aware of my need to rest. It’s so hard to slow down but so so important.
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Nowy rok, tak na spokojnie
W pracy jest tak styczniowo – wszyscy chyba jesteśmy zasypani mailami i nowymi zadaniami. Choć u mnie to tak raczej spokojnie ponieważ cały kres świąteczny przesiedziałam przed komputerem kończąc prace uniwersyteckie. Spodziewałam się, że będę miała na studiach dużo roboty, no ale jakoś się rozpisałam. Po tygodniu klepania w klawiaturę bolały mnie dłonie, łokcie no i dupa… No ale jest. Skończyłam. A ponieważ siedziałam praktycznie bez przerwy to teraz mam w pracy problem – rozpędziłam się i wszystko szybko kończę. To ciekawe, jak nasze ciało i mózg nabiera rozpędu i nawet trudny emocjonalnie tydzień mnie nie zwolnił (Urodziny, rocznica śmierci Taty, Urodziny męża – czyli wszystko na raz). No ale pod koniec miesiąca idę na urlop, aby faktycznie odpocząć. Ja lubię odpoczywać jak wszyscy są w pacy, więc bardzo mi to w tym miesiącu się dobrze poukładało.
Powyższy obrazek dostałam od nastolatki z mojej rodziny, więc bardzo się ucieszyłam. Właśnie podsumowuję 12 tygodni pracy nad moim kreatywnym blokiem spowodowanym Brexitem i wychodzę powoli z dołka ciszy i obserwacji, więc taki śliczny obrazek bardzo mi się przyda. Jest mi teraz faktycznie bardzo ciepło, bezpiecznie i spokojnie. Moi znajomi mają teraz trudny okres, a koniec miesiąca to już też będzię stresujący, ale ponieważ ja pracuję w trendach i jakoś zawsze wcześniej wszysko przeżywam, już mi nawet złość przeszła. Spokojnie, ciepło skupiam się na pracy i budowie nowej marki. Nie ignoruję wydarzeń, ale już je sobie dobrze w głowie poukładałam, więc jest mi lżej. Zobaczymy, co przyniesie wiosna.
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Week
Closing off the week of thinking about my family and heritage to move on to the joy of our next Birthday in the house tomorrow. It’s been a heavy, sad, melancholic week – I spent it mostly inside of my head and in my journal. I am glad I did. I like to listen to my grief and let it be to gently move on afterwards. Back to the normal rhythm of things today.
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In memory – a year on
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On Grief and Hope
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
Leo Tolstoy
