Citizen of me

    “Yo no soy mexicano. Yo no soy gringo. Yo no soy chicano. No soy gringo en USA y mexicano en Mexico. Soy chicano en todas partes. No tengo que asimilarme a nada. Tengo mi propia historia.”

    “I am not Mexican. I am not gringo. I am not Chicano. I am not a gringo in the USA and Mexican in Mexico. I am Chicano of everywhere. I don’t have to assimilate to anything. I have my own story. ”

    Carlos Fuentes


    Lemon week

    One more week of restoration after a month of lemons, lemons, lemons. I was challenged on so many levels. There were moments when I had to sit down and rest – quite physically, I could not breathe anymore. However, my responses to all of those challenges validated my humanity, my sensitivity, empathy and resilience. As intense at it feels now, this last month was a summary of those recent steps on my journey.

    I was challenged, yes. But I also grew. I steadied myself. I took care of myself. I asked for the right type of help. I deepened my friendships. I grew closer and stronger with my family. I prioritised myself and us collectively.

    I listened deeper. I learned to distinguish my mistakes from the resonance of issues emerging from others. I discovered that beyond the obvious unconditional positive regard, I do not have please just so many people. Actually, the more I think of it, I need to prioritize those who take me seriously and appreciate me for my actual skills and achievements. I accepted that I am a doer – although I knew that already.

    I learned a lot about my past, present and future clients – those who dare greatly, the so-called “foolish” dreamers, the believers, the change-makers. We are a precious, rare type, yet quietly we form ripples, waves and finally storms moulding our paths into new continents. We study the past and embrace the unpredictable futures. We hope in times of helplessness. We know we have not much to lose. We might be seen as subtle and weak, but we are simply open and vulnerable. It’s the most courageous attitude towards life. We have faith in ourselves and our tribes, which makes us stronger.

    In the last 2 years, I started recovering from the initial racism of the early years of Brexit in Oxfordshire. Moving to a kinder city, I was welcomed and supported, so I healed even more. In the last few weeks, however, I drew the cycle of safety around my world, while also considering the sensitivities of my fellow British friends as much as I could. I have learned so much from that process about power, empowerment and self-oppression. I will use those learnings in my work to convert my experiences into positive energy in the future. I am still processing it all, to be honest.

    Today I felt at home with myself again. I met a group of business planners and analysts who shared my excitement about certain opportunities – I felt at home with their professionalism and realised my core is still here. Healing from Brexit and other negative experiences will take time but I am emerging stronger. I wish we did not have to learn this way, but here’s to working towards a better future – for me, my circles and people I am to support.

    The kindness of my family and friends, the bonds we have built, move me to tears. Happy, light tears of collective care and mutual support. Yes, there is darkness all around us, but there is so much to treasure and to gravitate toward. I am giving myself one more week of restoration before I go back to a very active plotting of my new ways of supporting people.

    For now, I sit back, cuddle my dog, close my eyes. I rest. I hope you can rest too.

    Photo by Francesca Hotchin on Unsplash


    Smutno, ale tak na spokojnie

    No i wyszliśmy. Lokalnie wszyscy teraz cierpią, no ale ja jestem zawsze wychorowana na zapas, więc mój okres żałoby się kończy. Cztery lata bólu, bardzo ostrych problemów zdrowotnych, 25% nadwagi, nieprzespanych nocy w obawie o przyszłość i bardzo taktycznego planowania kariery.

    Najtrudniejsze w tym wstepneym okresie Brexitu były rozmowy z dzieckiem. Może wyjedziemy, ale jeszcze nie wiadomo. On chciał do dziadków we Włoszech, ale my nie. Znajomi wyjechali, inni cierpią.

    Ale na przeprowadzkę jest jeszcze za wcześnie. Rasizm, który w Królestwie teraz dominuje w centralnej narracji, jest obecny w całej Europie. Był obecny zawsze. Czeka tylko, aby się obudzić.

    Natomiast tutaj, na Wyspach, w cieplejszych okolicach, jest on widoczny, więc łatwiej się z nim jakoś walczy – można jeszcze pogonić, zadzwonić na policję, uciszyć.

    No ale jest bardzo smutno i Brytyjczycy bardzo cierpią. No nie dziwię się. Pusto, zimno i ciemno w sercach. Oficjalna żałoba dla mnie się kończy, dla nich zaczyna. Ale jesteśmy tutaj razem, więc uzbrajam się w ciepło.

    Będzię ono nam wszystkim bardzo potrzebne.

    Photo by Fabrice Villard on Unsplash



    Today many of us start to feel the real pain of Brexit. But today marks the end of my EU grief. It started in early 2016 and lasted until Brexit deadline, last night. I am sad, of course, but those four years were dreadful and yet very meaningful. My roots and new identities were questioned. My networks fell apart and evolved. My choices were undermined, and thus, I grew stronger in my truths. My views clarified but to take the right stand I had to stop talking, start listening and cross many lines I was socialised into. I suffered. I did hurt.
    But I also grew stronger. Grief is uncomfortable, but it’s also very formative. It shapes us into someone new, someone different. As we grow, our friends suffer too – we don’t fit their familiar, and sometimes we need to say our goodbyes. I lost a few friends who were racists because I stopped compromising. However, I also learned to grow a wide circle of safety. I steadied myself. I gave birth to an idea which is politics and future proof – because I had no choice but to design it this way. I educated myself.
    I stopped travelling and sat down to figure my new self out. Shedding so many layers of systemic labels and identities is a terribly painful process, so I am exhausted! Happy that active Brexit period is over, it’s easier to navigate the new reality. One in which a system can be hacked, so we need to learn to live above it in an everlasting unpredictability. I learned the lesson and now plan to rest for a while, slowly planning the next step of my journey.
    As I come back to myself, I am also noticing the change in my circles. We treasure each other more than ever, our conversations are deep. Our connection is stronger than ever. We are starting to unite, to build bridges, safer spaces & more inclusive tribes.

    We are more human than ever before.