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Art
“When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.”
Laurie Halse Anderson -
Death
“Unbeing dead isn’t being alive.”
E.E. Cummings -
Social media and kids – facts not myths
I had an interesting conversation in a bar last night with a young man concerned about the mental health of his younger, teen brother. Despite a very heated discussion (him: against social media based on media-fed fears, me: pro-social media based on recent research), I have managed to at least make him question his own assumptions. I am really concerned about the level of our general assumptions about the real impact of digital technologies on young people and as a consequence, the lack of dialogue between generations. In this particular situation, just after a short chat, I have identified at least two other reasons why this young person would struggle – not related to the tech at all. But that is a job of a counsellor and bar is not a place to address them. Not with a family member – with the young person themselves.
I came home and reflected on the tonality and the flow of that conversation. I have realised that I was really emotional and I really need to lean into people’s realities even more in order to find a base for a dialogue with them. Because work with assumptions and biases needs to be really careful and respectful, most of all.
This morning I woke up to a new link from LSE leading tot he 2017 Global Kids Online study which I could have quoted the night before, but even with the numbers, I am not certain if I would come across as helpful. The study identified few core issues:
- “Most of the hurtful behaviour occurred offline, not online.” This point means that young people still experience bullying, mocking, isolation, economical disadvantage, aggression offline a lot! But young people are smart and join safe online spaces where they can switch off unpleasant experiences and report the abuser. Most kids choose private chatting rooms and manage their emotions in a peer group rather well.
- “Only a few 9- to 17-year-old internet-using children (between 1 and 11%, depending on age and country) experienced hurtful behaviour online in the past year; most of this occurred just once or twice.” – This is a surprising piece of data for many because no one really talks about the digital literacy of young people, their ability to create their safe online identities and to surround themselves with trusted friends.
- “Children find a wide range of online experiences upsetting. Between 14 and 36% of internet users aged 9–17 experienced something upsetting online in the past year” – this is a very important point. The current media and legislation discourse are focussed primarily on cyberbullying and “harmful content” exposure but the actual negative experiences can really vary and every single person is different. For example – when my son was smaller, he was for a while terrified of trains after watching a YouTube video of a burning train – something I personally really did not feel would affect him at all. If we focus on one particular form of harmful impact of the web on our kids, we miss out on a lot of problems, we simplify a very complex area of young people’s lives and most of all: we do not engage in active conversations with them about what is really upsetting them and how we, adults, can support them in thriving digitally online.
And I know that many parents reading this will probably get stuck on my last point – “thriving digitally online” – as something completely irrelevant to kids. However, we must not forget that access to information, to innovation and to connect with peers is the basic human right of our children. We need to finally accept it. We need to look very hard at ourselves and reflect on our relationship with our kids. We need to learn to talk to them and work on their online safety with them!
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Nowe studia
Dostałam się na wymarzone studia, zaplanowany kierunek, do wypatrzonej nauczycielki i grupy. Ponieważ planuję prowadzić terapię w zakresie technologii i zauważyłam już, że technologia wywołuje ostre emocje, muszę być dobrze wytrenowanym terapeutą. Wolontariat w kilku organizacjach nie wystarczy. Więc od września wracam do pana Freuda i jego kolegów tutaj w Brystolu. Nie mogę się już doczekać, ale też ciesze się, że mam miesiąc na prawdziwy wypoczynek – luz w pracy, podróże do rodziny, ciepły, słoneczny Brystol w międzyczasie.
Cała ta sprawa ze studiami jest bardzo ciekawa. Na rozmowie nie miałam za dużo do powiedzenia bo sama profesorka powiedziała, że wysłalam wszystko, czego potrzebowała na piśmie. Więc musiałam poszuskać bardziej osobistych powodów i przypomniałam sobie coś ciekawego. Jak byłam małą dziewczynką bardzo chciałam zostać psycho-terapeutą. Bardzo. Marzyłam o takiej osobistej pomocy dla ludzi, którzy nie radzą sobie z życiem. Lecz nie miałam odwagi iść na psychologie z realnego powodu: matka (z całym bagażem własnego narcysyzmu i emocjonalnej przemocy) jakoś przekonała mnie, że nie jestem dostatnie mądra aby iść na takie poważne studia. A co za tym idzie nawet o nich nie myślałam po maturze! Szłam w jej szlaki, bo sama nie spełniła się jako lingwista, to i dziecko wysłała w tym samym kierunku.
Po latach własnych prób i błędów, nauki i niezaliczonych egzaminów, trzech kierunków i raczej podstawowego licenjatu nauczycielskiego jestem gotowa zabrać się za to “poważne” nauczanie. Choć prawdę mówiąc to bzdura. Uczyłam się psychologii w trzech językach już jako nastolatka, więc totalnie jestem na to przygotowana. Zawsze, już jako dziecko, miałam dobrze wykształcony talent empatyczny. Od małęgo udzielałam się, organizowałam, prowadziłma ludzi przez ich problemy bez żadnych obaw.
Więc w tym roku zaczynam studia całkowicie wyluzowana. Więm, że życie było jakie było i mogło być inaczej, ale może właśnie potrzebowałam tych wszystkich doświadczeń, aby teraz, w tym roku, zrozumieć głębi pomocy terapeutycznej. W moim nowym zawodzie będę mardzo młoda. Będę uczyła się wielu nowych rzeczy, które pomogą mi bardzo – już w ostatnim roku zmieniłam się drastycznie i poważne decyzje dotycząse ludzi i związków podejmuję w sekundę. Więc mam nadzieję, że po tych studiach będę jeszcze lepsza. Pozbyłam się dumy a pewności siebie już mnie nie brakuje. To dobrzy start!
Photo by Max Langelott on Unsplash
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On anxieties
When I moved to Bristol my anxieties were so high I could not walk over the Suspension Bridge. It’s not something I have ever experienced (my relationship with heights was ok for 40 years!) but due to ten years of cold and reserved community and few years of no travelling, a new sensory overload kicked in. I knew it will take me a bit to get back to normal. I am happy that I finally managed to cross it last weekend. Really proud of myself. And surprised how very few people accepted by new vulnerabilities. I have no problem with talking about them but many people do and they do end up suffering in silence. Whereas if we are supported by our community we’d recover so fast! Happy to live in Bristol.
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New studies
Today I have accepted the Certificate in Counselling offer from UWE Bristol. My application was successful and I will be studying person-centred, as well as psychodynamic counselling this year. I cannot wait to work with a new group of students on the same campus where a lot of digital-related studies tend to happen too. University studies will bring a new dimension to my life. I will have less time to rest but I am prepared: I spent the last three-year making time for those new tasks and I am confident I can work, run business, run home, raise son and study. It’s all a question of the right planning, organisation and the ability to manage self-care really well.
I will spend a little bit less time in the allotment but I will go back to nature of as often as I can. It heals me, it slows me down and it teaches me to be humble and kind to others, but also to myself.
I have a full support of my friends, family and co-workers so I know that if life does get busy, I won’t be on my own.
I am prepared to push myself harder in learning and practice too. I am so much more self-aware and confident than a few years ago. The impact of living in a small and unwelcoming town is fading away really fast in here, in Bristol, which enables me to focus on helping others now.
I am really happy and excited about this and I really cannot wait to get started. But I am also looking forward to our holidays now – with the year ahead planned, I can finally relax!
Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash
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On money and unconditional listening
I think about money a lot these days. The value of a coin can be so confusing. On one hand, our 5K walk raised over £140 so far and the fundraising is still open. So, one event in Clifton raised £5K for OTRBristol last weekend! Just today, in her first week, on the first day of her fundraising activity, the owner of the local cupcake shop raised £100 in a single Facebook donation. So was our 5K walk even worth it, I wondered? This weekend 21 people supporting OTRBristol will be skydiving so I am sure they will raise so much more than me as well…So I am thinking about money a lot… In the UK people don’t like to talk about money especially in the context of charitable work. Yet, that’s what fundraising is all about: asking for money. Hm…I think a lot about unconditional listening too. How can one explain the value of an hour of unconditional yet caring support of a counsellor? Someone who is completely uninvolved in our lives, yet so caring, so holding and so present? I started my own therapy last week. I have to do it for my therapeutic practice but did not expect to start so early. The recent news from home triggered so much anger, sadness and grief. I have committed to the process and allowed myself to work on healing now. And so after over two years of studying therapy, I went back to a counsellor’s room myself. I valued those 50 minutes of listening, curiosity, support and unconditional respect. In today’s world, assumptions get in the way of listening. So we are hardly ever actually listened and understood. “Don’t assume, because it would make you an ass” – I learned in a training session this morning. I related to it so well (on both sides of listening). When we meet friends we focus on them or on conveying our problems in the least painful way. When we love, we often take, not give. When we care, we limit other people’s horizons. And so all that remains is a bit of a bubble of our own thoughts. It’s really difficult to be one own’s sounding board, especially if we have no one to talk to. I do, I have a few good friends and a soul mate too, but I myself have benefited from an hour of unconditional support. So I can only imagine how this experience must feel like for someone vulnerable, abused or lonely. It’s life-changing for all.So how can I quantify the money raised by me and by others? I do not think I can. I look a £10 note on my desk. I think about my usual ways of spending it. I think of all those young people out there who go to bed scared, hopeless, lonely, in pain. And I wonder… isn’t it amazing that folk like OTR Bristol counsellors can give so much for that one piece of paper? How much is that money worth to someone who has no one to talk to in such an unconditional manner? Maybe I will never know. Maybe all I have left is counting money and hours offered to those young people. That in itself fills me up with hope.(Our fundraising page is live for another 2 weeks, so if you have a spare tenner or so, please donate here. Thank you!)
Photo by Jonathan Brinkhorst on Unsplash
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Grief
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
Mitch Albom -
Mission accomplished
This is a quick update on our 5K walk done on Sunday for OTR Bristol. Laura and I met at 9.30am in the Castle Park with our families. Park was busy and really, really hot – just look at the state of grass!
We have agreed on the tactics – it was a super hot day so we have decided to focus on catching Pokemon, not so much the fast speed of our walk. We have started tired, but excited!
But The challenge of walking 5K in an hour (average speed of walking) became tricky, dangerous almost. Walking in the sun was OK, but not easy. We had to shift between sunny areas and the park. The place was on fire! And truth to be told all other hunters decided to hide in the shadows very fast.
It was fairly easy to catch the first 50 Pokemon though – it took us 30 min to do so. Here is the proof – before and after screenshots of our mobiles:
Knowing that I am not much of a PokemonGo geek you can probably guess which screen is mine;) After the first 30 minutes of our walk, we have decided to review the situation. Even with the constant supply of water and a backpack full of snacks, with the support of our families, we would not be able to walk 5K in an hour in this heat. So we have decided to compromise, be sensible and adjust the goals: walk 2 miles in an hour and then walk another mile afterwards, without timing. So here are both distances from my Strava:
To complete the walk we took a little group photo, sat down for a picnic and rested.
I really enjoyed the walk, even though it was full of challenges. First of all the weather was terrible for any physical activity and all of us were tired after Saturday work too. Secondly, walking and catching Pokemon is really not easy and requires high levels of focus – which in a park full of geeks is a bit of a challenge.
Additionally there were interruptions too: my friend called me, our allotment association called to tell me that we have won a prize from a summer social hosted the day before (I know, right?), towards the end of the walk people from the Bristol PokemonGo group started recognising us and chatting to us too. Luckily the connection was good and the app worked well for both of us.
I loved the walk through – it was full of fun and collaboration. We had to focus, document it, discuss tactics in real time and work with the circumstances. I really did not expect the PokemonGo Community Day to be so complex, but it really was. We have marked the 1 mile, 50 pokemon and final milestones with photos to remember the journey:)
I would like to thank Laura for joining me on this bonkers assignment! It was so much fun to walk with her: she is the most positive person I know!
I would like to thank Kathlin for sharing our walk plans with the Bristol PokemonGo group – it was nice to feel even more part of the community than before.
A huge thank you to our families for supporting us on the day! We couldn’t have done it without you all!
And last, but not least: thank you to all the lovely people who have donated over at our fundraising page – we have reached our goal and we are leaving it up for another month. If you haven’t donated but feel inspired to do so, please click over here.
Thank you all so much!
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A while
“For a while” is a phrase whose length can’t be measured.At least by the person who’s waiting.”
Haruki Murakami
