Hiding my body
I was asked today why I am hiding my body and that question really surprised me. It’s interesting how in the world of social media and great technologies we seem to have issues with simply reaching out to each other and so we make judgements instead. So let me explain.Here is me…a girl who is overworked (out of her own choice of trying to be more than just a mum), overcommitted (out of her own choice again as she is thinking about others while living her life) and hardly ever available for..her own self. Here is the industry and the world that treasures endless hours of work and hardly any humanity. But as crazy as it sounds my life spat me out of that horrible modern cycles and left me in a house with a beautiful garden, in a small, quiet town with green grass and blue skies, pink sunsets and windy fields. So I think I am getting a second chance for my body here. I spent the entire 2015 trying to re-connect with my body and understanding my body. I took various fitness classes. I did a reiki course. I went through a series of meditational (personal) retreats. I looked back at my relationship with my body to discover assumptions of an intellectual (who thinks that body is just a necessity to carry her brain around). I confronted myself on so many levels… I have arrived at the point where I can see a little bit more clearly that in this new world of comfort and technological advance we all seem to forget just how much we rely on our bodies. On a level of philosophical thinking, I used to look at my body, at my face and judge. I used to relate to my body as something of a burden but also packaging. It’s so stupid to be way over 30 and just now discover that it is a part of me, a major part of me. It’s me. My body is not just the source of all my energy and thoughts but also an integral part of who I am. It’s not just the way I feel it, carry it, exercise it, relax it and dress it up. It’s the way I connect it and use it as the extension of who I am that matters. Since I was a little girl I used to wake up and check my hands to see if it’s still me. I used to marvel at skin, bones, movement – how does it all work? When in doubt I could always find the real me deep in my eyes…in the morning mirror. I could measure how good or bad life is based on what I could find in there. But I never really looked at my relationship with my body – not so much as in the last 12 months. And so today I am not even thinking about my body from confidence or beauty point of view. I think of it as my vessel, my car, my home, my baby – something truly worth caring for as it is an integral part of my identity. I started taking selfies. So instead of dieting like crazy, I shop for clothes size larger as long as I feel I am healthy and comfortable. I feed. I move. I breathe in. When sad, I collapse. When attacked, I seek safety. When in need of comfort, I provide comfort to my body too. I do not hide my body. It’s not a winter coat that can be put away for this way too early spring. It’s me. And I am here. Comfortable. Waking up. Walking. Running. Stopping. Living. Me.
And I wish the same to you all!
That’s something I have to do for myself: feel comfortable with my body. It’s not that I’m not, it’s just I’m not fullt aware of that.