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On anxieties
When I moved to Bristol my anxieties were so high I could not walk over the Suspension Bridge. It’s not something I have ever experienced (my relationship with heights was ok for 40 years!) but due to ten years of cold and reserved community and few years of no travelling, a new sensory overload kicked in. I knew it will take me a bit to get back to normal. I am happy that I finally managed to cross it last weekend. Really proud of myself. And surprised how very few people accepted by new vulnerabilities. I have no problem with talking about them but many people do and they do end up suffering in silence. Whereas if we are supported by our community we’d recover so fast! Happy to live in Bristol.
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New studies
Today I have accepted the Certificate in Counselling offer from UWE Bristol. My application was successful and I will be studying person-centred, as well as psychodynamic counselling this year. I cannot wait to work with a new group of students on the same campus where a lot of digital-related studies tend to happen too. University studies will bring a new dimension to my life. I will have less time to rest but I am prepared: I spent the last three-year making time for those new tasks and I am confident I can work, run business, run home, raise son and study. It’s all a question of the right planning, organisation and the ability to manage self-care really well.
I will spend a little bit less time in the allotment but I will go back to nature of as often as I can. It heals me, it slows me down and it teaches me to be humble and kind to others, but also to myself.
I have a full support of my friends, family and co-workers so I know that if life does get busy, I won’t be on my own.
I am prepared to push myself harder in learning and practice too. I am so much more self-aware and confident than a few years ago. The impact of living in a small and unwelcoming town is fading away really fast in here, in Bristol, which enables me to focus on helping others now.
I am really happy and excited about this and I really cannot wait to get started. But I am also looking forward to our holidays now – with the year ahead planned, I can finally relax!
Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash
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On money and unconditional listening
I think about money a lot these days. The value of a coin can be so confusing. On one hand, our 5K walk raised over £140 so far and the fundraising is still open. So, one event in Clifton raised £5K for OTRBristol last weekend! Just today, in her first week, on the first day of her fundraising activity, the owner of the local cupcake shop raised £100 in a single Facebook donation. So was our 5K walk even worth it, I wondered? This weekend 21 people supporting OTRBristol will be skydiving so I am sure they will raise so much more than me as well…So I am thinking about money a lot… In the UK people don’t like to talk about money especially in the context of charitable work. Yet, that’s what fundraising is all about: asking for money. Hm…I think a lot about unconditional listening too. How can one explain the value of an hour of unconditional yet caring support of a counsellor? Someone who is completely uninvolved in our lives, yet so caring, so holding and so present? I started my own therapy last week. I have to do it for my therapeutic practice but did not expect to start so early. The recent news from home triggered so much anger, sadness and grief. I have committed to the process and allowed myself to work on healing now. And so after over two years of studying therapy, I went back to a counsellor’s room myself. I valued those 50 minutes of listening, curiosity, support and unconditional respect. In today’s world, assumptions get in the way of listening. So we are hardly ever actually listened and understood. “Don’t assume, because it would make you an ass” – I learned in a training session this morning. I related to it so well (on both sides of listening). When we meet friends we focus on them or on conveying our problems in the least painful way. When we love, we often take, not give. When we care, we limit other people’s horizons. And so all that remains is a bit of a bubble of our own thoughts. It’s really difficult to be one own’s sounding board, especially if we have no one to talk to. I do, I have a few good friends and a soul mate too, but I myself have benefited from an hour of unconditional support. So I can only imagine how this experience must feel like for someone vulnerable, abused or lonely. It’s life-changing for all.So how can I quantify the money raised by me and by others? I do not think I can. I look a £10 note on my desk. I think about my usual ways of spending it. I think of all those young people out there who go to bed scared, hopeless, lonely, in pain. And I wonder… isn’t it amazing that folk like OTR Bristol counsellors can give so much for that one piece of paper? How much is that money worth to someone who has no one to talk to in such an unconditional manner? Maybe I will never know. Maybe all I have left is counting money and hours offered to those young people. That in itself fills me up with hope.(Our fundraising page is live for another 2 weeks, so if you have a spare tenner or so, please donate here. Thank you!)
Photo by Jonathan Brinkhorst on Unsplash
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Grief
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
Mitch Albom -
Mission accomplished
This is a quick update on our 5K walk done on Sunday for OTR Bristol. Laura and I met at 9.30am in the Castle Park with our families. Park was busy and really, really hot – just look at the state of grass!
We have agreed on the tactics – it was a super hot day so we have decided to focus on catching Pokemon, not so much the fast speed of our walk. We have started tired, but excited!
But The challenge of walking 5K in an hour (average speed of walking) became tricky, dangerous almost. Walking in the sun was OK, but not easy. We had to shift between sunny areas and the park. The place was on fire! And truth to be told all other hunters decided to hide in the shadows very fast.
It was fairly easy to catch the first 50 Pokemon though – it took us 30 min to do so. Here is the proof – before and after screenshots of our mobiles:
Knowing that I am not much of a PokemonGo geek you can probably guess which screen is mine;) After the first 30 minutes of our walk, we have decided to review the situation. Even with the constant supply of water and a backpack full of snacks, with the support of our families, we would not be able to walk 5K in an hour in this heat. So we have decided to compromise, be sensible and adjust the goals: walk 2 miles in an hour and then walk another mile afterwards, without timing. So here are both distances from my Strava:
To complete the walk we took a little group photo, sat down for a picnic and rested.
I really enjoyed the walk, even though it was full of challenges. First of all the weather was terrible for any physical activity and all of us were tired after Saturday work too. Secondly, walking and catching Pokemon is really not easy and requires high levels of focus – which in a park full of geeks is a bit of a challenge.
Additionally there were interruptions too: my friend called me, our allotment association called to tell me that we have won a prize from a summer social hosted the day before (I know, right?), towards the end of the walk people from the Bristol PokemonGo group started recognising us and chatting to us too. Luckily the connection was good and the app worked well for both of us.
I loved the walk through – it was full of fun and collaboration. We had to focus, document it, discuss tactics in real time and work with the circumstances. I really did not expect the PokemonGo Community Day to be so complex, but it really was. We have marked the 1 mile, 50 pokemon and final milestones with photos to remember the journey:)
I would like to thank Laura for joining me on this bonkers assignment! It was so much fun to walk with her: she is the most positive person I know!
I would like to thank Kathlin for sharing our walk plans with the Bristol PokemonGo group – it was nice to feel even more part of the community than before.
A huge thank you to our families for supporting us on the day! We couldn’t have done it without you all!
And last, but not least: thank you to all the lovely people who have donated over at our fundraising page – we have reached our goal and we are leaving it up for another month. If you haven’t donated but feel inspired to do so, please click over here.
Thank you all so much!
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A while
“For a while” is a phrase whose length can’t be measured.At least by the person who’s waiting.”
Haruki Murakami -
Waiting
“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.”
Paulo Coelho -
Three wise monkeys
I think about the Three Wise Monkeys sometimes, recently a lot actually. The symbolism of those rather famous statues is the maxim “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”, but in the modern Western society, I think it is often interpreted in terms of individualism and involvement warning us not to peak into other people’s lives, not to listen to other people’s business, not to speak up and spread lies about others. I often think that we have lost the original, other interpretation of those three Japanese characters – one which relates to lack of involvement, turning a blind eye, ear and mouth to hide evil deeds… So I had a look at the origin of this story again:
The concept of the three monkeys originated from a simple play on words. The saying in Japanese is mizaru, kikazaru, iwazaru (見ざる, 聞かざる, 言わざる) “see not, hear not, speak not”, where the -zaru is a negative conjugation on the three verbs, matching zaru, the modified form of saru (猿) “monkey” used in compounds. Thus the saying (which does not include any specific reference to “evil”) can also be interpreted as referring to three monkeys.
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“The Three Mystic Apes” (Sambiki Saru) were described as “the attendants of Saruta Hito no Mikoto or Kōshin, the God of the Roads”.[10] The Kōshin festival was held on the 60th day of the calendar. It has been suggested that during the Kōshin festival, according to old beliefs, one’s bad deeds might be reported to heaven “unless avoidance actions were taken…”. It has been theorized that the three Mystic Apes, Not Seeing, Hearing, or Speaking, may have been the “things that one has done wrong in the last 59 days”.
According to other accounts, the monkeys caused the Sanshi and Ten-Tei not to see, say or hear the bad deeds of a person. The Sanshi (三尸) are the Three Corpses living in everyone’s body. The Sanshi keep track of the good deeds and particularly the bad deeds of the person they inhabit. Every 60 days, on the night called Kōshin-Machi (庚申待), if the person sleeps, the Sanshi will leave the body and go to Ten-Tei (天帝), the Heavenly God, to report about the deeds of that person. Ten-Tei will then decide to punish bad people, making them ill, shortening their time alive, and in extreme cases putting an end to their lives. Those believers of Kōshin who have reason to fear will try to stay awake during Kōshin nights. This is the only way to prevent the Sanshi from leaving their body and reporting to Ten-Tei.
Not seeing. Not hearing. Not speaking up. Not doing (the fourth monkey included in some traditions). Not acting in the context of evil, nasty plans, the ability to stop yourself is crucial, of course. I think a lot of people underestimate the damaging power of not acting in a different context though: in the context of not helping, not speaking up, pretending not to hear, simply not getting involved. I volunteer a lot for mental health charities so I see the pain in my daily work. I see a lot of it in my daily life as well, but only small part of it comes from evil acts. The rest comes from the inconsiderate acts of silence. Sometimes I wish people could understand that not acting, not doing something kind might not be as drastic as acting against our will or invading our privacy, but it remains equally damaging. I think we have seen what liberal tolerance and not speaking up, not staying vigilant and purposefully kind, did to the world recently. So why can we not learn and apply this in our daily lives? Why can we not lean in and reach out beyond ourselves to each other? Why do we leave our society so cold and almost alien sometimes and think it is them, not us, that’s the root of the problem? Every day we wake up, go to work, rest, spend time together, count our blessings, possibly plan. But do we actually look out from our comfortable, safe place, just to check if others are safe and comfortable too? Are we actually responsible for each other? Are we willing to make effort for them?
I could leave this post at this, but I do not want to leave you with that drowning negative sense of hopelessness. I am simply asking those questions. I do not have the answers. But I do know that people can be and oftentimes are different – they do get involved, they do speak up and do stand up for others. They offer help even if you don’t ask for it. I see this every week at the OTR when every little problem is addressed. Where saying “if you ever need a coffee and chat, I am here” really does not cost much. Where stopping and asking “how are you?” is actually a question that requires a mindful response and results in a short moment of active listening. That also does not cost much at all. And the stakes are really high here for all of us. We need to get our act together fast to help our young people who are only entering this world and will come across a lot of ignorance and a lot of wise or not too wise monkeys.
I am glad that I can be where the change and action are happening. But you can be too: right here, right now, in your life. Give someone a smile or thanks in the street. Complement them at work. Check-in when you get back home. Make time for them after dinner. Listen to them hearing what they have to say – without judgement. Look at them with attention, look into their eyes (did you know that if people smile and we look into their eyes our mirror neurons fire and we automatically smile as well?). Speak up and say something nice, anything really. Every little moment of connection counts and leads to a long-lasting resilience and togetherness which is not intrusive but actually quite comforting and safe. Do it now!
(This post is prompted by my preparations for a 5K walk for OTR Bristol. If you want to help young people’s mental health and act this way, please donate here. As I am writing this I am £5 short of our goal so you might just be able to help us reach it. Thank you!)
Photo by:
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Nowa praca, stare tematy
No to już miesiąc w nowej pracy, w której bardzo się odnajduję (terapia, ludzie młodzi, zdrowie psychiczne, media słoecznościowe i takie tam stare, bliskie sercu tematy). Czasami jeszcze jestem trochę w szoku, że w ogóle jest taka organizacja, i że ja w niej pracuje. Nie jest to moje główne źródło zarobków, bo jak wiadomo w organizacjach pozarządowych to kasy jest raczej niewiele (i niewiele być powinno, bo ma ona iść na klientów serwisu), ale dla mnie to idealne miejsce na tem moment w życiu. Bardzo lubię to miejsce z wielu powodów, ale przede wszystkim chodzi o ludzi, o wartości i o kulturę. Jak przyszłam do pracy z poważnym problemem trzy osoby zaproponowały mi “alarmowe wyjscie na kawusię” – choć ledwo się znamy. Bo w tej organizacji każdy ma własną historię ale też wie, że samemu wszystkiego się nie rozwiąże.
Po dziesięciu latach na pustyni;) zazynam wracać do siebie. A co za tym idzie i do pisania.
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Pierwszy klient
Zakończyłam pracę z pierwszym klientem. Jestem pod ogromnym wrażeniem ich pracy (piszę bezosobowo, bo nie mogę nawet płci wspominać), ich szczerości i zaufania. To niesamowite, jak ludzcy się stajemy w spotkaniu ze śmiercią. Nauczyłam się prawdziwego piękna pracy w terapii i wiem już, że bardzo mi taka praca odpowiada. Wszystkie moje negatywne, ale też i pozytywne doświadczenia, bardzo mi się teraz przydają.
W miedzyczasie przestałam też brać nowych klientów w przerwie letniej. W życiu prywatnym doświadczyłam innej wersji śmierci – tej, w której nawet na jej progu są ludzie, którzy w ogóle się nie zmieniają. Nie na dobre…
A więc jestem prywatnie ale i profesjonalnie bardziej wyedukowana na temat naszych różnych perspektyw na śmieć. A co za tym idzie coraz bardziej szanuję swoje życie i to co mam. Nauczyła się dbać o siebie w taki sposób, aby umieć pomóc innym. Wcale nei jest to takie proste – czasami trzeba umieć powiedzić nie, czasami trzeba ruszyć dupę nawet jak już nie mamy siły. Wstawanie wcześnie rano w soboty czasem było trudne. Dojazdy do Oksfordu gługie (6h na 50 min sesji) i kosztowne. Ale warto, jeżeli ludzie to szanują. Warto.
(Na zdjęciu okno pokoju, w którym mieliśmy sesje – takie śliczne!)
